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Single mums - sharing experiences Rss

Hi,

I am a single mum with a beautiful 28 mth old girl.

I have been seperated from her dad now for almost 2 yrs.

It's been like a roller coaster ride, when I have to interact with him it is so stressful, when he is not around, I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted.

How do other single mums handle such topics as:
** children's health (her dad always feels the need to blame me when our girl is sick)
** maintaing a healthy diet for the child (I feed her with healthy food, only allowing sweets in rare occasions, where as her dad feeds her take away ... Hungry Jacks, McDonalds, donuts, chocolates etc .. his excuse, he has not got the time to prepare meals)
** Dealing with "I listen to daddy, not mummy" occasions
** dad playing mind games with mum etc

is there anyone out there who is willing to share their experiences with me ????

Curly
Hi Curly,

I'm a single mum with a beautiful 17 month old.

Seperated from her father for just over 1 year.

Well at least her father turns up. The father has rights to see her for 2 hours every Monday. And hasn't turned up for the last 13 weeks. When he does turn up he rather talk to me instead for interacting with his daughter.

To add to more pressure her father was bashed last week and put into a coma. It was on the channel 9 News. His fine now and out of the coma, but still in hospital.

I'm wondering what it will be like when he wants to see her next.

Selly

Mum to Vanessa (April 03)

Hi all,

What there are no single mums out there ... this I find hard to believe.

This topic is not a "bitch" topic, just a heads up on sharing good and bad experiences.

I would love to hear from other parents out there is a similar situation and read how they cope, it may help me learn how to cope when certain situations arise .... as I am only new to this "single parent" thing.

Curly
Hi Selly,

It's not easy when your little girls dad doesn't make the effort. He will miss out.

As long as you leave the communication lines open for her dad and your little girl, your little girl will benefit from it.

I have had issues with my little girls dad, where he also would use the handover/exchange time, as a reason to lay into me about why I left him. There were times when he would become so verbally abusive, while I am holding our little girl, and litterally not allow me to close the door on him, saying that I am being so "Rude".

What you are experiencing is normal behaviour for a man who has a bruised ego.

How badly was he bashed? Would it be too traumatic for your girl to see her dad in hospital? If he doesn't look too bad, I would take your baby to hospital to visit her dad on Monday's, when he would normally see her for the 2hrs. At least then, he can not say in the future, you denied him access to his little girl.

Unfortunately, the onus is on us (resident parent) to make sure that access is not denied, as the "Child has the right to see their parent" ... not the other way around.

I hope this little bit of advice will help you.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Curly (Mum of a little angel)





Hi Selly,

I just remembered .... If you do plan on taking your girl to see her dad in hospital, ring up the hospital, ask to speak to your little girl's dad, ask him if he would mind if you brought your little girl in to see him on the Monday's he would normally see her.

If he says it's OK, do so, at least after the 2hrs, you can leave with your little girl with out him wanting to harrass you.

If he say's he is not ready, ask him to contact you when he is ready.

PS. Keep a journal of this, you never know if you might need to recall things in the future.

Good luck,

Curly
Hi Selly,

It appears that my original reply has disappeared.

What I said in my original reply was as follows:

It will be your little girls' father's loss if he does not maintain contact, and in someway, your little girl may be affected by not having a good bond with her dad.

It is the resident's parent's responsibility to allow access between the child and their other parent, as it is the "Child's right to see their parent's" ... not the other way around, like some people think.

When your little girl's dad wants to speak to you, instead of using that 2 hrs with his little girl, he is just massaging his brused ego, unfortunately, this is normal behaviour for men who now no longer have control over their partner. I know, because I experience this behaviour in about 70% of the handover/exchange periods. There have been times when my little girls dad has become so verbally abusive, even while I am holding our little girl, and whenever I try to close my front door, he accuses me of being "Rude".

Do what I said in the other reply about contacting your girl's dad in hospital, at least you will be seen in your own eyes, and in your own heart, that you are looking after your little girl's interests.

Good luck and keep in touch.

let me know how things go.

Curly (mother of a little angel)
Hi Curly,

He was bashed by 16 people, so he was really badly bashed. Put in a coma for 4 days. They said he will have some brain damage, but we are still waiting for some results.

I called the hospital and they said, because he is intensive care it is wise to take her in cos you have to wash/scrub your hands and lower arms and wear a gown. Which is basically impossiable for a 17 month old. So i'm going to wait until his transfer out of ICU.

Thanks for your word of wisdom curly.

Selly

Mum to Vanessa (April 03)

Hi Selly,

Oh no, I didn't realise he was that badly hurt.

Use this time wisely, re-assure your little girl that daddy loves her very much. As it could be a long while before she sees him, she will need to be re-assured that she is loved by both mum and dad, and dad is not well, that is why he can not see her.

I know this sounds a bit much for a 17mth old, but never underestimate how much you little girl understands. She is communicating to you thru touch, thru expressions, thru listening to you voice and looking you in the eyes. She needs to hear the words "daddy loves you" ..... and then eventually she will feel those words when her dad is better.

This ordeal might impact her dad in a way he was not expecting, once he is out of the coma, and when he is better, he might begin to treasure moments with his little girl (I hope for your little girl's sake this happens).

And I hope it might also give you some time to heal, and to breathe again. As you need to look after yourself, if you are to be of any benefit to your little girl.

Please take care.

Best wishes,

Curly
Hi Selly,

I just heard that the young man that was gang bashed a few weeks ago out west has received death threats ... it was on the news ... Is this your little girl's dad?

If it is ... please do the following for me ....

When her dad is ready to see her, go see legal aid and ask that vistitations with her dad take place in a supervised centre, which specialisses in providing access to non-resident parents of young children in a supervised environment.

If this man is her dad, who ever is after him will not care about who he is with at the time, and if he is with your little girl, then you need to be concerned for her safety.

Please, consider what I have suggested.

Curly
Hi Bronwyn,

Life is full of challenges, some good, some bad ... but these challenges will only make us stronger.

I hope the grief your son's dad is giving is short lived, unlike my daughter's dad ... who gets' his kicks pushing my buttons, even 2yrs down the track he still gets off on it.

Make sure you organise consent or court orders covering where Jacob lives and how often he sees his dad.

Also, as part of these orders, have them include a requirement for Jacob's name to be placed on the Airport Watch list, this is adminstered by the Federal Police, but you need a court order first.... and a requirement that neither parent apply for a passport.

Get your "Child Support" arrangement formalised, and request that the CSA (Child Support Agency) collect the money and deposit it in a bank account.

I hope all this can be done without going to the Family Courts, but if there is no choice and you have to go to the courts, and you can not afford a private lawyer (they can charge minimum $300 per hr ... I'm not kidding) ... go see Legal Aid.

I wish you all the best and if you need more advice, POST me or e-mail me at toughcookie@bigpond.com.au.

Regards,

Curly
Hi everyone,
My name is Sam and I am a 29 yr old single mum to my little girl Bronte (08/09/04). I went into this pregnancy knowing I was going to be doing it on my own as the father was someone I wasnt serious about and I couldnt go through with a termination when I found out I was expecting. I thank the stars everyday I made the decision I did because my little girl brings me so much happiness. I have a huge extended family/friends support system and feel that Bronte will be fine. Its nice to see other single mums talking, but sorry to hear about your troubles with the dads. Im lucky not to have that problem! smile

NSW, 3mth old baby girl, Bronte

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