Huggies Forum

You can't choose your family!! Rss

Hi Girls,

I think I am just needing to blow off a little steam, but does any one else out there have problems with their family 'IN-LAW'?
I have just had another fight with my sister in law. I have been married for 5 yrs this May and love my husband dearly but his sister and mother drive me insane sometimes!!! He also has a dad and brother that is also married.
I had a very close family (still do) growing up and my husband did not as they travelled alot,(dad in the Army)I want to make sure that my son also has the same family closness that I had, I want him to know his Aunts & Uncles and cousins. But after tonight I'm not so sure. My Sister in law told me tonight she "works so as she can provide a good education for her daughter (she goes to a christian college) somethin YOUR son will never have" is what she said. That is where the conversation ended after I told her where to go & hung up! I am a stay at home mum and see nothing wrong with the public education system. I would love to send my son to a private secondary school when the time comes we will see how the finances are, but if we cannot I am not overly worried. Both myself and my husband went to public schools and we turned out O.K I think.
I have told my Husband tonight that I want nothing more to do with her, but now I think that is too harsh on him, I hate seeing him torn, but I have had nothing but fights for 5 years from relgion to how to raise our son and I just can't take it any more!!!
Any way thanks for listening, it's nice to have people to talk to!!
Hello mummy jen, I do know how you feel!! My husbands family are unbelievable. When I met my husband he would say things like my brothers and I dont get on blah blah blah, I couldnt understand it and thought it was just trying to be funny. So when we visited his home town I decided to get his family together to have dinner............number 1 mistake. Things have only gotten worse from there and things are at the stage now I dont speak to them unless I have too and when the phone rings and I see its one of his family I tell him who it is for him to answer the phone. Just about every time we see his father he has some smart remark about our sons name. I dont know why he tries to make such a big deal ( I wouldnt name any of MY children what he named his and he has children to 3 different women) or just tries to tell us what to do and contantly asks the same question over and over like are you taking him to swimming lessons yet?If he cared to listen we have told him time and time again Caleb has been having swimming lessons since he was 8 months old. Believe me he never was and never will be father of the year! Then there is his mother who told me when Caleb was only a fews days old she didnt have any interest in my pregnancy (like she had to tell me that) as she thought I was only trying to trap her son! We were married when I fell pregnant, the pregnancy was planned and we had been living together since June 1998. She rang me once when I was really sick with morning/all day sickness and I made the mistake of telling her I was sick...her comment "oh I dont believe in morning sickness, I was fine will all mine". She was a dragon before I was pregnant and tried to ruin our wedding but that is another story. Then we have his brothers who called me a bitch as I walked past him, only loud enough for me to hear and denied saying it. His other brother hadnt contacted us in over 2 years but had to come to Brisbane for surgery and was to sick to return home so rang us for me to look after him and wait on him hand and foot!! It just goes on and on.
You have every right to stay at home and look after your children. You are being a fantastic mother and wanting to raise your children, its damn hard work!!. Perhaps your SIL is jealous as she has to work to support her life style which includes keeping up with the JONES!! It is a terrible position to be in but for me at least they live far enough away I dont have to see them. As you said it very sad for my son as I was raised with all my cousins, aunty's, uncle's, grandparents and want the same family unit for my son. However saying that I dont want there attitude to rub off on my son as I do not want him to grow up thinking that is the way family is as it is not. Not to mention if they are like that to me what would they do to my child??
My husband and I have had many fights over his family but more so over his mother. As you said it is a terrible position our husbands must be in however I would NEVER let anyone in my family ever be disrespectful to my husband and would tell them to pull their head in. I think that is apart of what makes us so angry is they fact they would never let a stranger speak or treat us like that but they will let their family do it. My family didnt approve of my husband at first and I fought and fought with them over it. At one stage I was told he was not welcome at their home!! In the end they got to know him and love him to death now.........but I stuck up for him.
The sad part to all this is as you said you cant choose your family and children are involved in all of this. I hope things have settled down for you but just remember you have every right to decide how to raise your children and you are doing a great job!
Hello Jen

You poor thing! I feel so sorry for you having to put up with someone who is so narrow minded!

It is fair enough that your sister in law has her opinions but they should not be forced upon your family! You and your husband are the ones who have the right to decide where to send your son to school or whatever the decision may be!

She is obviously trying to run your sons lives by the sounds of things! Do you think she will realise she has upset you and apologise? I hope so for family harmony's sake! you have done nothing wrong though! not that I have ever been in your situation but I can understand how you feel bad for your husband!

Good luck and let us know how things go!

melissa

melissa, vic, Patrick 2.5 & Laura 15 months

This post has been edited by the moderator.
hello,
I think you should be free to raise your child your way!.....and there is nothing more important than the education that is recieved at home, what I mean by this is things like morals and values.
I certainly wouldn't want a family member making me or my child feel lesser than them. It is hard to be diplomatic sometimes when someone is in your face and you constantly bite your tongue!
I think you did the right thing, she gave you her opinion and you did the same thing!...you go girl!!!

Vic, 3 y.o boy

Hi Jen

I know exactly how you feel - I don't know if you have seen the forum about Inlaws in the baby section but a few of us have posted our greivances with inlaws there. If you want to chat my email is:
jas_mbrown@hotmail.com

I'm a bit reluctant to put too much info as I'm worried that the inlaws will come across it - though maybe that's not such a bad thing, lol!!!

Anyhow I think you've done the right thing.

All the best
Jasmine
Hi Jen
I am so glad you put this post in. I have the same problems with my inlaws. I need to blow off steam about putting up with my inlaws and I try not to take it out on my husband. It is so hard.
My inlaws are 'well off' and would like my kids to act like them and be like them. The Mother in Law would have a smile from ear to ear if she could take the kids away from me and raise them herself.
I am a stay at home Mum as well and I am going to send my kids to public school too. I have been married for 5 years this year.
Time does not make anything easier. My husband has been torn between two families and it just came down to which family does he put first?
If you need to take about it and blow off steam (so that the husbands don't cop all of it) then feel free to email me. I need someone to talk to about it as well as. My email is markandpauline@dodo.com.au

mum of 3

Hi Calebsmum
I can't believe his brothers call you a bitch. How can you keep your cool when they do that to you?
I too don't answer the phone when it comes up as his family. I just yell out to my husband to answer it. I am glad you said that because I felt like a bitch by doing that.
Why has he father got a problem about Calebs name? I love that name. That is my favourite name, but my husband wouldn't let me use it.
What a bitch for the mother in law to tell you that she wasn't interested in your pregnancy and you got pregnant to trap her son. That is awful! Did you just look at her in disbelief? I would have. Well I think a lot of mothers will have a big argument with her about morning sickness. I constantly vomited with my pregnancies right up until just before they were born. The 1st was worse than the second. I actually had lost weight in my 1st pregnancy after I had the baby from my original weight.
My husband and I have been together since June 98 too and time does not make anything easier. My husband and I at one point had separated because of his family. We have had so many fights about them.
I am hoping I will be able to chat to someone about my problem in-laws to help me too. My email is markandpauline@dodo.com.au

mum of 3

Hi Girls,

Thank you soooo much for your replies. You all put a great big smile on my face tonight when I read them, and don't worry I will be emailing you pauline to find out more. We had a great day today, our family, my husband son and myself went to the local races, they had a FAMILY FUN day, just what I needed. Even though this is what started the last argument. We had a catch up with my family on Wednesday night for Easter as mum & dad and my sister were going away. As we were going to the races and not able to catch up with my SIL & BIL on Sunday I suggested to my husband that we pop into his sister and drop off our neice's & SIL's pressie. Which he agreed to. We did this and it was around 6pm, we were there for 13 mins (too long for me lol). On Friday we got a call from my BIL saying that we were very rude and inconsiderant for dropping in unannounced! "Next time we would rather you phone and tell us" he said. My husband & I could't believe we were just asked to make an appointment B4 he could go and see his sister!!
Well anyway I have decided that I am a better person than she is, and yet again I will put this all behind me and go on, BUT I have told my husband that this IS the last time. I can just feel I am setting myself up for another fall, but hey, what can you do?
YOU CAN"T CHOOSE YOUR FAMILY!
Hi Calebsmum

I've had heaps of fights with my husband over his family - they (especially my MIL) treat me with absolute contempt. My family has always been really close, we used to go and stay with our cousins during school holidays and vice versa. Our whole family gets together for birthdays etc. My MIL goes on about how "close" their family is - but all they do is play manipulative games and backstab each other, they never do anything together.

I too get angry that my husband wouldn't let a stranger treat me badly but expects me to let his mother walk all over me. He says not to make it a competition - but he and his mother are the ones doing that. All I want is for us to have a "normal" family life. I don't want my son growing up thinking their behaviour is normal. Friends who don't have this problem with their inlaws are always saying 'You can't deny him his grandparents', but I know they will do more harm than good, and it's my responsibility to protect him until he's old enough to do it himself. Don't get me wrong, most of the time things are really good between my husband and I, but this issue is a constant thorn in our sides.

I'm so glad you are all out there - sometimes it feels as if I'm the only one in the world with this problem. It really helps just to talk about it.

All the best
Jasmine
Hi again Jen

Like in my reply to Calebsmum, I want my son to know his family but I also feel I need to protect him from them.

I plan to stay at home with my son and future children until they go to school, for me it's really important. My MIL won't directly say it, but her disapproval of me staying home is loud and clear in other things she says. For example, she knows we can't afford to buy our own house on one income but constantly goes on and on about how important it is to get into our own house! Mind you they never bought their own house!!! I want to send my son to a Christian school if we can afford it but it's our responsibility as parents to teach our kids values and morals at home. I went to a public school for primary, and a Christian school for secondary. We had our ten year school reunion last year, and while some have gone on to pretty impressive careers, there are some who haven't done anything with their lives. I don't really think whether you go to a private or public school has that much to do with how you turn out, family plays a much bigger role.

While you can't choose your family, you can choose how you will raise your family.

Stay strong
Jasmine
Hi Jas, YOU HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!I feel exactly the same way. I dont want my son to not know his fathers family but if they are only going to cause the pain and hurt they have caused me then I want to protect him from them as they can really be animals. Reading your post is like my own life his family play manipulative games and backstab each other as well. One of his brother is the worse but still they all say he is the one who is the most "family orientated".............please!

I use to tell my husband for years his mother is a dragon and he would just look at me. Then one day he saw her for what she is and actually apologised to me. It must be hard for him as he does love her very much.

When I had Caleb his family didnt even send me flowers. His father only made some stupid comment on Calebs name (which hasnt stopped) and of course his mothers comment on how I was trapping her son!!

It was my husbands fathers birthday a few months ago. My husband sent a card and rang him. All he said was thanks for calling but my mates are here and we are playing pool. Last month it was Michaels birthday and we are still waiting for any sort of acknowledgement. My husband tries to act like he doesnt care but it must hurt.

Anyway to say they are an interesting bunch of people is an understatement. As you said it is great to know I am not the only one who married into a mad house!!
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