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made to feel guilty by in-laws Lock Rss

Since my 8 month old has been born my fIL in particular has been a nightmare. We often hear statements such as: she doesn't know me. As we explained she doesn't really know anyone yet the response was well she knows you. We are the parents she sees us everyday of course she knows us. He went to other family members complaining he doesn't get to hold and play with baby when visiting. This is a complete lie we always give a cuddle but we do not encourage our child to be held all the time as she doesn't enjoy it, but we do encourage him to play with her. On the other hand my MIL keeps comparing our child to other peoples- so and so is younger then our child and they are crawling. It drives me mad!
The thing that they both make me feel most guilty about is that they haven't looked after her yet. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and tried for a baby for over 2 years (we were just about to start IVF procedures) so we don't want to be away from her yet. She is the best child you can take her anywhere and you wouldn't even know she was there. I have spent some time away from her as I had to go back to hospital for an operation. We have explained that they will have there time but not yet. They are made to feel welcome to visit whenever they want but this is obviously not enough. Some advice as to how to handle in-laws that make you feel guilty and that you aren't doing the right thing by your child would be appreciated.

neat,QLD, mum of 1 girl and twin boys

ignore them they just want attention!!!!
sorry to sound harsh but shes your child and you make the decisions if they dont like it tough!
the only time ive left my son overnight is when i went into hospital to have my daughter. ppl thought i was weird but they got used to the idea that i didnt want to get rid of my kids for a few hours cause i like having them with me.

Lee. Mum of William 1/1/04 & Lily 10/8/05

Why do people always think they should babysit? Why isn't it enough to spend time with the kids on mutual visits? I am another who doesn't even think to leave them with others, they're my kids so i'll look after them, but have a couple of rellies who would leave theirs with anyone at the drop of a hat. Everyone automatically assumes i'm going to be like them. Unfortunately it is very often seen as strange that you don't want to fob them off at the first opportunity!
And if your fil thinks he doesn't spend enough time with her and she doesn't know him-well, that's his fault really. Tell him if he has a problem with that he's welcome to pull his finger out and rectify the situation!
Advice-don't let them make you feel guilty. If you feel in yourself that you are doing the right thing by your family stick to it.
For the record i have a pretty crappy family and have long ago stopped worrying about their feelings as they never bothered considering mine!

Kelly, 22, 1 @ 25/1/04, 2 @9/3/05, [email protected]/4/06

I had the same trouble with my inlaws - especially my MIL. Everytime we went to their place (or they came to ours) she would be in my son's face as soon as she saw him, he'd burst into tears and then I would get the whole "He doesn't know me..." guilt trip. He would always cry around her no matter what - he was ok with most other people, even my husband pointed it out (not to her though). After 10 years of putting up with her garbage I've told her to stay away from my children and me - there's a lot to it. Even before that my husband and I agreed that we would never leave our children with her.

We had never left our son with anyone until he was 21months old - and that was only because I had to go to hospital to have my daughter. We left him with my Aunty and Nanna (my mum lives interstate, otherwise I would have left him with her). Since he was a newborn we had people - mainly my MIL - telling us that if we didn't leave him with other people from a young age he would never get used to being away from us and it would be traumatic for him when we did have to leave him etc etc. He had a ball with my Aunty and Nanna and didn't cry once, he wasn't even interested in saying goodbye when we left - he was too busy playing.

I know my case is extreme - I've tried explaining how I feel to my MIL, but she just didn't listen, she's so nasty that she goes out of her way to do the opposite of what I say. But maybe if your inlaws are a bit more reasonable than mine you could tell them how you feel, maybe they just don't realise how full-on they are being? But I don't think you should leave your baby with someone just to make them happy - especially if you're not comfortable with it. Some people think I'm weird for not leaving my children - but like someone else said - they are my children and I will raise them. If I need to leave them I will - but only with someone I feel totally comfortable with.

I hope things get better for you
Take care
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