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Relationship changes - My partner is turned off - what is normal? Lock Rss

I am now - happily - 29 weeks pregnant with a beautiful baby boy due in March. I did have a good, close relationship with the father who is of Indian descent and eventhough we are not married and the baby is a slight error thanks to Mr Contraceptive not working, he has now grown increasingly distant. Now I understand that from other postings this may be normal for a guy but how do I cope until he makes up his mind what he wants?

When I first told him the news his exact reply was that "I am not in a position to participate in any way." It is not like he is 15 either - he is 32 and supposedly mature. And I cannot understand how he can turn off his emotions like that. At the same time he expressed that he was upset that "it would always be in the back of my mind that there is a part of myself out there somewhere."

Since then we have continued to see each other, although in the last few weeks he has stopped holding my hand or being tender with me except when we have sex. And even then - this is in the dark because it seems like he does not like the look of my newly rounded belly. I can tell he still cares but it is like he is always holding himself back - like he cant get close or is scared to.

I am resigned to doing this by myself but am annoyed that there is no support financial or emotional from him. I am also concerned that he may turn full circle at some point in the future and demand visitation rights especially when the boy is older and not so time and energy consuming.

Has anyone been through something similar and how did it turn out?

Does anyone have any advice on getting good legal advice now to head off any possible future problems as well. It would be greatly appreciated.

Lee due Mar

Hi Lee.

I'm expecting my second child in march 04 and although I'm not in the same situation, I think it's common for most men to start backing off when the thought of a child starts to play on their mind. the only large thing they've ever been responsible for, if they're lucky, is a house or car. You can get rid of those things if they become too much of a burden, it's a lot harder to get rid of a child.

My hubby didn't get excited with my first because he was stressed about financial things and also the added responsibility of being a parent, having someone around to grow up with you as a role model. And literally it was right up to the minute our son was born before it hit home. He's a really good person but he wasn't overly helpful in the birth and afterwards he tried to bond but ended up being more distant to me and the baby because the baby didn't respond to him like it did to me. We sat down and had a big talk about it all and really cleared up things, but i could not have done that before the baby was born.

I don't know if this helps or not, but although your man is 32 i think it takes a long time for them to fully come to terms with it all. My hubby is not being so distant with me this time round, but is still not overly excited about things and i'm hoping we don't have the crap that happened after the baby was born the first time, after this one.

I dont' know if any of this helps, but if you ever want to talk there are heaps of nice women on this site who could offer some help and emotional support. Don't feel alone, cause there's always people who care.

See ya
I read your posting ages ago and didn't want to respond but have now decided to bite the bullet and say what I think. I'm going to be harsh and ask: what are you doing having sex with someone who wants nothing to do with their baby? I've read many postings from women saying their partners are acting oddly but to actually come out and say what he did deserves a strong reaction. Both comments were way out of line.
He said: "it will always be in the back of my mind that there is a part of myself out there somewhere".
That is him telling you without actually saying it that he has no intention of hanging around for very long- he'll probably stay around just until the sex gets boring or when the baby becomes too much work. I'm sorry but alarm bells should have been ringing when he said that.
Reverse psychology. You run away from him and he starts thinking and missing you and wondering how the baby is doing. Eventually, I'm guessing he'll come around. If you keep hanging in there,
your desperation (and I certainly don't blame you) will be obvious. You have already made it obvious yourself that you have doubts of the two of you staying together- what difference does it make if you do it now or later? And if you don't want to leave, then put your foot down and demand to know what his position is in this scenario. Being undecided at this late stage of an important part of your life is just not good enough and he needs to know this. Don't just carry on as if he has said nothing, things have to change. Don't let anybody walk all over you, you're better and stronger than that.
I'm sorry you have to go through all this at the moment, it's the last thing you need. I wish you all the luck in the world and I sincerely hope he comes around. Take care.

Big hugs,



I agree totally with super.

The thing that really makes me angry is that a guy is willing to sleep with a woman and as soon as she falls pregnant, the guys wants nothing to do with her, EXCUSE ME how many people does it take to make a baby? Thats right, two! If a guy doesn't want to be responsible for his actions he shouldn't be having sex, thats all there is to it.

This guy knew there would be a chance that you would fall pregnant and still he chose to have sex with you and now doesn't want to be there to see his child grow up? Obviously he isnt very grown up himself and i wouldn't want a man like that near my child anyway.

Is it a religous thing or is he just being an arsehole?

Sorry if i sound rude, it just makes me really angry when i hear about this sort of thing happening, i think its wrong for a man not to want to have abything to do with his flesh and blood.

Mummy to Talana Michelle Kimberley (13/12/2003)

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