new baby in family - complicated. advice needed please

Hi everyone
I am an old member in disguise. I need some advice cos I am very lost at the moment.

About 8 years ago I cut all ties with my sister. Now I know that a lot of people say that family is family buy I believe that family is a privilege not a right. Just because you share the same dna does not mean you have to let people treat you badly etc. You don't have to agree with me but this is just how I feel. My sister has had no contact with my children.

I can't give you the full reasons why I stopped having a relationship with my sister as it's very personal but I will say that she constantly used not only myself but our parents. Their was money issues, lies and then she would turn around and act like the victim. She tried to say that she was sick of doing everything for the family when she never really lifted a finger. She just brought too much drama and it got to the point where I had to stop and think about what was best for me. I know that doesn't sound like a lot but like I said there is more details I just don't feel comfortable going into them all.

Since I made my choice I have found a great difference in myself and my life. This proves to me that I have made the right choice for me and my family.

I recently found out from my parents that my sister is pregnant (though I am not sure if she is keeping it as apparently she has had a few abortions). So I am not sure what I should do. From what my parents have said about her she seems to be the same user she was before but my parents just can't see it.

While I still believe that I made the right choice and do not want to bring in the drama she causes me into my life or my kids I don't want to exclude the baby. The baby has not done anything and it will be my children's cousin.

My sister lives 4 hours away and only visits my parents once and a while (according to my brother whenever she wants something) so it's not like I would run into her all the time or anything but when she does come down I don't know what to do.

I'd say that she will have my parents babysit now and then so I maybe we could see the baby then that way the kids could still meet their cousin. But I just can't forgive my sister especially has she still seems to be doing it to other family members (my parents and grandmother are just a few).

What would you do? Would you allow your kids to be around someone who causes you so much drama and frustration or would you try to get them to have a relationship with their cousin when she (my sister) isn't around?

I've talked to DP about this and he isn't happy with the idea of letting my sister back into our lives. He says that the change in me when I cut her out was instant and it was obvious that I was happier and in a better place.

If I really can't be around my sister I think I would still like the kids to at least communicate with each other so maybe they could write letters and photos etc.

I know some of you may think I am being silly and that I should just suck it up etc so please if that's all you have to say don't bother replying. I am looking for actually advice here.

I can only tell you what I would do if I was you. I would not to bring your sister back into your lives. It's sad that your children may have a cousin they will not be close with but that's for a reason.

If actively trying to establish a relationship between them involves dragging everything you had put behind you, I wouldn't do it.

So if you can't mend things with your sister than I don't see how it's possible for your children to have a relationship with hers.

Don't know if I've helped at all sorry.

I don't really see why cousins 'have' to have a close relationship with each other. I get that when the parents (siblings) are close it sort of flows on that the cousins are close but if the parents aren't close then I don't see any real point in trying to force a close relationship between the cousins so I wouldn't be trying to force things. I wouldn't avoid seeing your sister's child etc but I don't think you need to go out of your way to create the relationship since you don't really have one with your sister. Obviously if you happen to be at your parents' when your sister's child is there then there'd be interaction etc but I wouldn't go out of my way for it. As your sister's child gets older I'd say be led by your kids - if they're asking to see their cousin etc then try to add in some extra catch ups when she's at your parents etc but if they're not that phased by it I wouldn't push it. If there's a big age difference between the kids that will also have an impact on things too probably.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my cousins, I'm friends with some of them on facebook but haven't actually seen any of my cousins in almost 2 years (last time was at my grandmother's funeral and I think the time before that was at a wedding or major family birthday party). I know that my cousins have a close relationship with each other but their parents have always had a closer relationship together than their parents have with my parents. Part of it too is a simple age difference - I am as close in age to my youngest aunt as I am to my youngest cousin, my oldest cousin is several years younger than my youngest sister so I never really had much in common with my cousins to 'bond' over, while my cousins are all much closer in age to each other so tended to have shared interests which added an extra depth to their friendship. To be honest, I don't really feel like I've been 'missing out' by not having the same close relationship my other cousins have, when we do see each other we get on ok, we just don't see each other all that often. My kids do have a pretty close relationship with their cousins but that's because I've got a pretty close relationship with my sisters and even though there is a bit of an age gap between them it isn't as big a difference as for me and my cousins so they want to spend time together and DD1/DS just play 'down' to their cousins levels or the cousins attempt to play 'up' to DD1 and DS.

Leisa.

I've followed you so I can send a pm... smile

I'd wait until the baby is born and see what ur sister is like towards you - after she becomes a mother. You would be surprised how motherhood can change people - your sister may warm to you or not change at all.

Not knowing all the details if you can find the courage to forgive then allow the kids to meet either in a park or your parents house just don't allow her to "use you".

Stick with get togethers at public places, make them short and sweet but be prepared for ending the relationship again if need be.

Life is too short to have enemies, unless she has physically hurt you forgive don't forget and give the relationship another go. At least you can look back and say you tried regardless of the outcome.