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controlled crying Rss

we have been doing controlled crying with our 8 month old son for about a month now and within 2 nights he was putting himself to sleep. However he still cries furiously whenever you put him down, whether it is in the day or at night. He can even be asleep and then as soon as you start to put him down he starts howling. (sometimes it starts as soon as you walk into his room) He will always go to sleep, but always cries first. The crying can last for 1 min or 30 mins. We have discovered that going in there only makes things worse so we give him a kiss and leave the room, not going in again until he is asleep. Even though he is putting himself to sleep, the crying can be upsetting. I sort of thought that once he got used to it he would just settle himself down to sleep - perhaps with the odd grumble but not full force crying. i dont want to get back into the habit of nursing him to sleep and am prepared to continue with this but just wondering if anyone has similar experiences.
After writing the above i started thinking about the last week (which has been very difficult) and wonder if 'seperation anxiety' is playing a role in this. Over the last week he has become extremely clingy and his crying at bedtime has become increasingly worse.
Any ideas????
Hi ns

Seperation anxiety probably is playing a big role, apparently it peaks in most babies at around 9 months old - obviously they all have it in differing degrees. My son went through a stage like this between 6 and 7 months. It was just after Christmas and the middle of summer which didn't help matters. Especially when I put him to bed at night, he would cry as soon as I left the room when before this he'd always gone to bed with no problems. I spoke to our child health nurse and she said it probably is separation anxiety and the best way to overcome it is to make sure your baby feels secure. She said to keep going with our usual settling techniques and he will eventually settle back down. It took about a month for him to be back to his 'normal' self and a few months down the track everything is still going really well. The nurse said that with separation anxiety the best thing to do is reassure your baby and make them feel secure as during the first 12 months they are building trust in you, the more secure they feel now the more independant and comfortable they will be as they get older because they know that you are always there whenever they need you. We used a technique called comfort settling which they spoke about both in hospital and at our mother's group at the clinic. Basically you put your baby to bed while still awake after they start showing tired signs and reassure them but you don't leave them crying for long - not at all if you're not comfortable with it. They don't recommend leaving your baby to cry for more than a couple of minutes. If they start to cry go in and pat them, sing whatever you need to do to settle them and leave the room again. It is normal for your baby to take half an hour to fall asleep - just like we toss and turn until we get comfortable. If after 30 mins your baby is still unsettled pick them up and try again a bit later. It's a much gentler way than controlled crying. There is a website that explains the technique a bit better than me - it is:

www.swsahs.nsw.gov.au/karitane

Every now and then my son still has unsettled periods, especially if we have been out a lot or had visitors etc. But I just go back to the settling techniques and goes back to normal. Comfort settling worked really well for us, I just couldn't leave my son crying and he is now a really good sleeper.

Hope this helps
Jasmine smile
Hi Ns
I had the same problems when my son was about 2 months old and we learnt the settling techniques jas spoke of in her post, we managed those for a couple of months patting him in his cot every sleep as he would fight it every step of the way.
One day nothing I tried worked so I cracked it with him, walked out shut the door and went and had a shower. He was still crying when I got out so I went and put the dummy in and he put himself to sleep, and has done ever since. I now do a modified controlled crying that I find has worked with us. I put Liam to bed as usual, and go out for 10 minutes then after 10 minutes if he was still awake I'd go in put his music back on, put the dummy back in or whatever needed doing. Now its rare for me to actually have to go back in to do anything rather than check he's asleep. I also found shutting the door at first was my way of telling him that I was serious. Not sure if it will work but I found it a very effective way to get him to go down and he now has better sleeps.
The only problem is that he won't be rocked to sleep anymore, which is a pain if we're out and he needs a sleep, so we can only be out morning or afternoon.
Kristy

member since 2004

This post has been edited by the moderator.
What great parents you 2 must be!!!

This mother is asking for help, not a lecture.

Michelle - Mum to 2

This is ridiculous,

Tonipie you and your husband deliberately scan this site to berate all mothers who have difficulty controlling a screaming child.

Yes, you do have placid children if they aren't having these problems. And no, you have no idea what it is like if it's not happening to you.

How dare you come here and praise your approach as being the 'right' way to be a parent. Congratulations. I know many parents who have been great with their little ones but have grown up to be crooks and drug induced idiots.

Every mother on this site never intended to leave their child crying but more often than not there is no other option for the sanity of the mother alone.

I work in an industry where I often see child abuse and even infanticide. Which is a mother killing her baby if you are unsure.

Having a shower for 10 mins to calm down is a better solution don't you think.

I believe you live in fantasy land, one which you cannot see the reality of some mothers who DO have very unsettled children which is not caused by emotion but generally a physiological condition.

This site is for parents to help each other, not to provide lectures.

Michael, Vic, Born 11-12-03

Sorry to rant on but,

Words of encouragement here is what is needed. Some people may only have this site to turn to for help if they have no support family or are isolated from them.

Your words may be causinga poor mother at home to feel worse about herself and feel a failure.

At best that is a very immature approach to helping other mothers.

From a very concerned MaryB

p.s. Kristy I know how you can be overwhelmed sometimes with an unsettled baby, you did what was right for you at the time, I hope you haven't taken any of those comments to heart.

Michael, Vic, Born 11-12-03

I agree with Michy and Mary B. Its all good and well if you have a baby who goes to sleep without problems(or even goes to sleep at all), but if you dont then controlled crying/comforting can really help. My daughter would never sleep for me, and i dont believe that i was a bad parent or not fulfilling her needs in any way. Some babies are good sleepers and some arent.It does become a problem though when the whole house is in chaos because of it. It is not nice to leave your baby crying(im sure everyone will agree), but it does teach them to sleep.And we all need sleep!!
This is hilarious and has had me laughing all morning. To think that you actually believe in this self righteous load of crap is mind boggling. I have no idea how you survive in the big wide world. Or perhaps you dont and that it why you spend your time scanning sites such as this is. It is your children that I fear for. They will grow up with no real sense of the world and will struggle to interact within society. The problems this can cause are horrific. You seem to profess your beliefs so loudly and this only makes me wonder how convinced you are of your own moral ground. Perhaps you are simply trying to justify your actions. I believe that those who are truly at peace with their values have no need to force their opinions on others. Those who walk the streets chanting to society are often doing nothing more than searching for acceptance and approval. I also wonder if your wife shares similar beliefs, or are you giving her no choice. Do you enforce your opinions on her as you seem to do to everyone else. Our children will grow up with the power to make their own decisions and to find their own place in society. We will guide them the best we can but we will not force them into a mould predesigned by us. I only hope that your children have this same opportunity.
Hi,
I fully agree with everyone else here. Who are we to judge anyone else here. We're posting for help, love and advice, not judgement and lectures.
Just to get back to the topic at hand. My daughter just turned 12 months and we've been using controlled crying ever since she was 4 months. Well just our version of it otherwise she won't go to sleep some nights. Generally you know whether she's going to settle or not in 10 mins. The crying either subsides or gets worse. If it gets worse, i get her up and have a snuggle, then try again.
Lately she just won't go down without a fight. I dread bed time, as she just fights it all the way. It takes nearly an extra hr every night. During the day she's fine, goes down for her 2hr morning sleep and her 2 hr arvo snooze, but night time is the killer. I know at the moment she's teething and she's probably feeding of me, as I get tense and stressed when its bed time.
I've tried getting her up earlier from her sleeps, but big mistake. That just makes her grumpy!!!
Hopefully this stage won't last long!!!! As she normally is a great night time sleeper.
Know you're not alone, and you can only do what's right for you and your bub and hey it's whatever works!!!!!!!
To the other mum that left her bub in the cot and had a shower while bub cried.(i forgot your nickname) That was the best thing to do. When nothing else works and you get stressed and angry at them, you need time out. They feed of us and our emotions, so leaving for 5-10 mins gives you time to recharge and calm down. I think thats better than reading a death notice or taking your bub to hospital with an injury you've caused through anger and desperation.
Anyway you all have fun now and don't take some small minded peoples opinion too seriously!!!
Til next time.....

Lisa, SA, baby girl (4.5.03)

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