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I dont know what to do Lock Rss

My husband and I have been fight all the time since our boys were born 9mths ago. I have tried and tried to talk to him about our problems but he doesnt want to talk/has nothing to say. He seems to think that everything is ok. I worry how the fights will affect our boys as my parents used to fight heaps when I was young and I can still remember it now. If I leave him I have no where to go and I have asked him to leave and he says its his house so he isnt going anywhere! I think that we need some time out from each other so that we decide what we both want - but how do I get him to see this? I think that if we dont have time out soon that the whole relationship will be over. Can anyone help at all?
i spose a lot depends on what you are fighting about - and who starts the fights.. you dont have to argue back.. if it is only since the boys were born maybe it is just a symptom of both of you adjusting to your new life...i know sometimes since my boy was born i feel that our marriage is over but then i have to decide to make an effort and put something into it and work on it, it always makes me feel better when i do and then i can see a light at the end of the tunnel...
Hi, sorry to hear that your having problems, I am also in the same boat. I love my hubby to death but he just never seems to help out.. even after all the nagging. I just ignore him now and he seems to get the message...
My hubby says when I do ask to talk, "this is the same conversation we had last week"... he sounds alot like your hubby in that regard.
It is hard not to fight in front of the kids... my son is also 9 months and I guess it isn't really good in the long run to hear parents argue... especially all the time.
In regards to you pronlem (sorry got off track) I think maybe get someone to mind the kids... go to a place where you can relax and talk and get things off your chest.. probably easier said than done but maybe the break will do you both great.
Don't focus on his bad points and him not on yours but rather the general problem/s that are bothering you.
I really should practice what I preach.
The best way I feel to get things out in the open is complete honesty... not just with him... but yourself...but hey I ain't no counsellor, just trying to be helpful. And think about why you married him in the first place.. get back to the happy times
I wish you luck.

Mum to Jai and Chase!

You say you have been fighting since your boys were born so that tells me that before the children, you had a good relationship. What I have found (from experience) is that as a mother you feel as though all day, every day, all you are is a mother and house keeper and you have lost your identity. From your husbands point of view, he probably feels like all he is good for is bringing in the money. I agree with the other ladies that you need some time together without the children (even just a couple of hours) to forget about being mum and dad and concentrate on being husband and wife and more importantly... friends.
You need to be honest with him and tell him exactly how you are feeling and that you are very serous about how you feel in regards to your relationship. If he has nothing to say, Good, that way he has to Listen. If he thinks everything is Ok then why are the fights happening. Happy people don't fight all the time.
I hope this helps. Keep us updated.

Karyn, NZ, Jack 13/02/04

Hey Kica,
When our first son was born my husband and i were fighting a whole lot too. when Zack was 6 months old some stuff happened which resulted in us seperating for 3-4 months. the best thing we ever did was go to our local church and got some councelling. it was so great to have amediator. it meant that we could both say what we were truly feeling about the other and there was someone there to make sure that the other listened and then clamly responded. they gave us some tools to use when we were heading towards a fight and now we have a routine where we set aside time each day to talk about anything that is bothering us and that way things dont develop inot anger before we talk about them. sometimes seperation is not such a bad thing because it can help you realise how much you do love and need each other but when my husband and i seperated we always said it was only for a short time otherwise we would become too comfortable with the distance and we had married for life not till it got tough. jst remember that sometimes love is a choice not a feeling. but from my experiance the fellings do return but you have to want them to and you have to be the one who is willing to start making changes to yurself rather than always wanting him to change. that was my big mistake - always pointing the finger rather than changing my own attitude which in the end made him change his.
councelling was the best thing we ever did for our marriage. we have now got another baby and i think that we have fought more recently - babies seem to have that affect on some marriages - the sleep deprevation and the stress invilved makes you that little bit more irritable!
well all the best and if you ever want to email me my address is b_kbaker@hotmail.com
kath.

Kathryn - Zack-4, Toby-2 & Molly 1

Hi Liz,
How are things going? Any improvements??
It is a scary thought being by yourself. Myself and my partner had a really big fight ( probly the biggest wev'e had) two weeks ago, we were avoiding each other to the point where we didn't come home unitl the other was out or in bed.
I was so scared that I would be on my own, we both relaised what we have together and took things from there. There is too much between us to just pack up and go.

Is there any romance?? maybe get bubs babysat and cook a lovely meal for you both ( even better get chinese delivered), sit by candle light and have a real heart to heart, he will see that you do want to work on things and he will think he is special for giving him a romantic night. who knows where things will lead!!!

Well I hope something I have said will help if not i'm sorry but it works for me. Sometimes!!!
I think alot of relationships these days lack alot of communication. I know our relationship would be near on perfect if we talked more about our feelings!!!! Good luck
Things were good up until about 2 or 3 weeks ago - he has just developed this I dont care attitude - I dont want to break up just before xmas and we are going on holiday over xmas and new year so we will see what happens then. Yes it is a scary thought to be alone....but it is better to be alone than have the stress of a relationship that isnt working! Most of the time I feel like I am a single mum because he is only worried about himself. I could go on forever but I wont. I have tried talking to him and he just goes yeah ok if that what you want - and as for romance - yeah right!
kica
as i read all the posts i had tears because i know how you feel,my son is 13 weeks now and even before he was born we use to fight, we fight more now thoe and its so hard to hold it together,im trying to make it work but he lies all the time and as for work its all to hard for him he quits when ever he doesnt like it.
i dont even trust him with our son he just doesnt think, he put im in his rocker and didnt strap him in how dumb!!!!
and we havent been together romanticaly for well a long time.
as you feel you dont want to end it before chrissy and now im so stuck on what to do
if we break up ill be left with all the debt i know i will if we didnt have debt we prob wouldnt be together
any ideas?

SA mum with baby jacob 20th sep 04

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