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Dear Sally-Anne, my husband is currently overseas working, we both agreed it would be a great idea for him to go and earn some quick cash. He was meant to be away 8 weeks, we joked it would be longer. He is now asking to stay away for another 3 weeks, this will make him being away for 13 weeks. I have told him I`m not happy with him extending his trip away, he tells me his is doing it for the money....I don`t think that is important enough to stay away. This is our first child, I had no idea about pregnancy neither does he, and I am learning daily. He tells me I am being selfish and only thinking of myself. We are living in NZ, for the last 3 years we lived in New York, all my family is in Melbourne. I am lonely, and saddened by his lack of emotional support. Am I being selfish? I asked him to come home and he has told me he will think about it, but he doesnt like the fact that I am making him do something he does not want to do. He wants to stay away for the extra dollars. I am in a no win situation because if he comes home like I have asked he will only be pissed off.
Thanks for sending this email. Raising a child is an incredibly challenging but rewarding thing to do. It is made even harder when we have to manage everything by ourselves. We can become physically and emotionally exhausted, and this is certainly a time when we need the most support from others. This joint decision about your husband working overseas was great for you in theory, but in practice it sounds like it has been more difficult to manage than you expected. It may not have seemed as hard if you had had your family around you. From his perspective, things have been going as he expected, and he still has his “eyes on the goal post” for your family financially.
Wanting to look after your needs is NOT selfish. In fact, it is great that you are able to admit to these feelings and express them to your husband. When he comes back, it would be a good idea to set aside some time to re-evaluate this plan (it is probably too hard to do over the phone at the moment). In the meantime, are there others around you to whom you can turn? Perhaps your local health centre might have some advice or have organised mothers’ groups for you to meet with others who may be just as lonely as you are. You might even contact the local primary school and see if they are aware of any groups where mothers and children can meet for a play. It would be good for you to be surrounded by others and make some new friends. Parents with young children are often supportive of each other, and it can really help you with dealing with the situation you are in at the moment.
But when your husband returns, it is time to review the experiences and make some decisions about the future.
All the Best,
Sally-Anne