Hi,

I just need to vent about my DH and his attitude towards our 5 week old DD2.
He cannot handle her crying and is constantly saying negative things about her instead of offering some love and comfort to help soothe her.
I know he is having bonding issues and does not feel the same about her as our DD1. I am trying not to push him but it really upsets me the way he scowls at her and then says things to DD1 like "look at your whingeing sister she's not happy/good like you"
I worry he will turn DD1 against her, although she is only 20mths would she understand his negative comments??
Perhaps not, that's what he says when I ask him not to talk like that.

Has anyone experienced similar, any tips on what I can do or should I just
let it ride and wait until he is ready to bond?

It's just really hard when he asks me to leave the room so they don't have to put up with her crying, mind you it is just after her bath while I dress her as she is hanging out for her feed, which most babies are like..
He seems to forget DD1 did this too....

I only hope it won't affect their relationship in the future.

I'm doing my best not to let it affect our relationship as it really upsets me and makes me p***ed off sometimes.

Thanks anyone for your advice.

I have only the one so I havent had the exact same situation as you. But when DD was born DH was really distant from me for the first few weeks and seemed to "resent" DD.

I sat him down one day and asked him why. He just said as much as he loves her that he was sad that he had to share me with her and was sad at the change in our relationship.

Your DH must have some hidden feelings towards the arrival of another child in the family. Maybe he feels it wasnt the right time for another, maybe he is worried about taking attention away from your other child.

Either way I would sit him down and have a talk to him about his feelings. Let him know its not fair to her as an innocent newborn for her father to treat her in this way. Bonding does start at such an early stage. Every time she cries remind him of when DD1 cried at the same age.

Good luck!

My partner was similar with my first child and it has effected their relationship and she is now nearly 3 and things are still not great between them. Your man needs to stop or I believe it will effect their relationship, and it would be deserved too -- babies sense people's negativity.

As for your 20 month old. She would understand his negativity too, and I think it could effect the relationship between your kids too, as your older daughter may come to see her sister as a nuisance.

I know it is hard, but I think you should take a no-tolerance approach. Kids are too vulnerable and I don't think it is worth the risk of your new baby feeling as though she is a nuisance and can't rely on her dad to meet her needs.

My daughter has issues now where she is afraid to ask her dad for help. She doesn not trust him to listen to her, or to be there for her.

There is a really nice book called Daddy Loves Me, you could look into buying it and your new baby could give it to your partner as a gift?

I hope it all works out for you

I have only the one so I havent had the exact same situation as you. But when DD was born DH was really distant from me for the first few weeks and seemed to "resent" DD.

I sat him down one day and asked him why. He just said as much as he loves her that he was sad that he had to share me with her and was sad at the change in our relationship.

Your DH must have some hidden feelings towards the arrival of another child in the family. Maybe he feels it wasnt the right time for another, maybe he is worried about taking attention away from your other child.

Either way I would sit him down and have a talk to him about his feelings. Let him know its not fair to her as an innocent newborn for her father to treat her in this way. Bonding does start at such an early stage. Every time she cries remind him of when DD1 cried at the same age.

Good luck!

Well said! My partner was jealous of our daughter and the attention she got from me 24/7. And he also came from a family where the children were treated like a nuisance their entire life. So they became placid and never sought help from their parents; so he thought babies had no real needs.

Hi,

I just need to vent about my DH and his attitude towards our 5 week old DD2.
He cannot handle her crying and is constantly saying negative things about her instead of offering some love and comfort to help soothe her.
I know he is having bonding issues and does not feel the same about her as our DD1. I am trying not to push him but it really upsets me the way he scowls at her and then says things to DD1 like "look at your whingeing sister she's not happy/good like you"
I worry he will turn DD1 against her, although she is only 20mths would she understand his negative comments??
Perhaps not, that's what he says when I ask him not to talk like that.

Has anyone experienced similar, any tips on what I can do or should I just
let it ride and wait until he is ready to bond?

It's just really hard when he asks me to leave the room so they don't have to put up with her crying, mind you it is just after her bath while I dress her as she is hanging out for her feed, which most babies are like..
He seems to forget DD1 did this too....

I only hope it won't affect their relationship in the future.

I'm doing my best not to let it affect our relationship as it really upsets me and makes me p***ed off sometimes.

Thanks anyone for your advice.

Have you asked him why he is acting like this?

that must be so stressful for everybody in the house especially you!

have you tried talking to him? what does he say? could you get his mother to have a little chat to him or a mate even? i find guys listen to other guys.

maybe you could buy a book on newborns and leave it in the toilet for him to skim over whilst in there doin his business?

if all else fails i would pack yourself and the girls up and go stay the weekend at your mums house for abit of a break and hopefully he will snap out of it!

Hi,

Thanks for your replies, it is worrying that's for sure.

I have talked to him and he admitted he didn't feel the same bond
as he did with DD1, which was a bit the same for me
but with
breastfeeding I guess I have the advantage.

I thought he would be ok but the comments just aren't improving, he says if she didn't cry so much he would be happier to hold her, plus he also said I have her all the time due to feeding so he can't do much anyway as he does the evening routine with DD1 while I feed DD2.
I must admit I hesitate to ask him to help ie: the odd nappy change because of how he talks to her. When I "oohh and aaahh" over her he asks me why I bother because she is still crying..I tried explaining that we are bonding and at least my voice might help to calm her, I am her mother after all.

I also tell our toddler that we love them both the same and we all kiss each other.
I can only hope because my toddler is with me all day that she doesn't resent her sister as they grow up.

The other thing is DH is quite hard to talk to, yes I married him... sometimes I think that was too rushed but that's a whole other story.
He's one of these men where black is black and white is white and there is no grey inbetween. He takes everything you say as the gospel so If I word something the wrong way look out!!

I just prey she settles down soon and then he will be happier to get involved with her as he is a great dad to DD1.

Thanks

hey id just like to say iv had the exact same thing happen, my partner couldnt stand my daughter crying and made no effort to calm her hed just put her down in her cot and walk away. but now she is 4 months and more alert and talkative hes really started to bond with her. he still doesnt help out as much as id like but i dont mind since he works hard to keep us going. give it time hopefully things will get better smile

I think you need to toughen up with him and say to him that he is an adult not a child and time for him to grow up... he is stressing everyone out. Also tell your daughter (20 month old) when you were a baby you used to cry when i changed your nappy..... when you were a baby blah blah blah what ever you are doing at the time....

I would ask your husband if he can't cope with the baby or chooses NOT to bond with the baby is to just not comment at all and go into another room and you will sort it out.

Also if its a real stress you need to have time out and take the two little ones away for a couple of nights .... do you have somewhere to go???? your parents maybe....

and to be honest.... if he has parents alive maybe giving his mum a call if you feel you could.... only you will know if you can approach them...

or salvation army for support or someone your doctor your midwife anyone

I think some guys just find it harder to deal with a crying baby then others. My DF is definitely one of those that can't handle it, he freaks out when they cry and usually hands bub straight to me and goes "here you deal with it" or just puts them down and lets them cry if they don't settle straight away, both very frustrating for me when I'm trying to organise dinner etc. He definitely handled DS better as a little bub then he has either of the girls but we thought we were going to lose him just after he was born so both of us were just so relieved he was still alive to scream at us. DD1 was a completely different story, she was a very difficult bub who spent the first 6 months screaming all night & would only settle if she was with me. I also had PND with her & we fought about her all the time, I know its terrible but we used to have screaming matches because I was that worn out and he just didn't seem to want anything to do with her but by the time she started crawling though everything changed, she is now 29 months and very much daddy's girl and strangely he usually has more patience with her tantrums etc then I do - I should also add that there is 17 months between DS & DD1 and despite all the complaints he heard about his sister, he absolutely adores her and never seems to resent her.

We now have DD2 who is 13 weeks old & like most bub's suffers from the arsenic hour right about dinner time & for some reason she will be a happy contented bub for me but within 5 minutes of DF taking her she starts screaming & stops pretty much immediately after he gives her back and he's not coping any better with her then he did DD1 but I look at the relationship he has with DD1 and I know that he will eventually have the same relationship with DD2.

I think some guys just find it harder to deal with a crying baby then others. My DF is definitely one of those that can't handle it, he freaks out when they cry and usually hands bub straight to me and goes "here you deal with it" or just puts them down and lets them cry if they don't settle straight away, both very frustrating for me when I'm trying to organise dinner etc. He definitely handled DS better as a little bub then he has either of the girls but we thought we were going to lose him just after he was born so both of us were just so relieved he was still alive to scream at us. DD1 was a completely different story, she was a very difficult bub who spent the first 6 months screaming all night & would only settle if she was with me. I also had PND with her & we fought about her all the time, I know its terrible but we used to have screaming matches because I was that worn out and he just didn't seem to want anything to do with her but by the time she started crawling though everything changed, she is now 29 months and very much daddy's girl and strangely he usually has more patience with her tantrums etc then I do - I should also add that there is 17 months between DS & DD1 and despite all the complaints he heard about his sister, he absolutely adores her and never seems to resent her.

We now have DD2 who is 13 weeks old & like most bub's suffers from the arsenic hour right about dinner time & for some reason she will be a happy contented bub for me but within 5 minutes of DF taking her she starts screaming & stops pretty much immediately after he gives her back and he's not coping any better with her then he did DD1 but I look at the relationship he has with DD1 and I know that he will eventually have the same relationship with DD2.

Thanks for your story, that's very reassuring to know there were no long term effects. Sorry to hear about your PND hope you are well now,
Last night he was actually better offering to change her nappy but I made a point of nicely asking him to speak gently to her. When he questioned my chatting to her (whilst screaming again after her bath) I again reiterated that she bonds with us now and understands our voices so you have to talk nicely and lovingly to her.
Hopefully he will come around more once her crying settles down, it's unfortunate that every time he comes home she cries..

My brother and his wife have two kids - 2 year old DD and 8 month DS. My brother admits that it has taken him a while to bond with his DS as he cried and whinged and BF alot. But now the wee boy is much better and their relationship is good now. So maybe when she is a bit older and is not so much a crying newborn they will bond - good luck smile

Hi there

Sounds like a tough situation to be in hun GBH.
i think the worst thing you can do to him is tell him to toughen up and get over it as it has been found now that up to 10-35% of men are suffering with a form of PND.
You need to talk to your Husband about it and get him to see the g.p if it doesn't get any better.
It will be hard for him as he will be getting so much affection and love from your 20 month old and newborns are all take and very little give when they are little.
Does your newborn enjoy having baths maybe your husband could shower or bath her so he can have some skin to skin bonding time and even your older daughter could join in.

Hope it al works out for you .

Thanks for your story, that's very reassuring to know there were no long term effects. Sorry to hear about your PND hope you are well now,
Last night he was actually better offering to change her nappy but I made a point of nicely asking him to speak gently to her. When he questioned my chatting to her (whilst screaming again after her bath) I again reiterated that she bonds with us now and understands our voices so you have to talk nicely and lovingly to her.
Hopefully he will come around more once her crying settles down, it's unfortunate that every time he comes home she cries..

I'm fine this time around & my pnd was caused by the mini pill, so it just stopped as soon as i stopped taking it. Its great that he's offering to change her nappy at least he's prepared to help with her. I hope things keep improving for you, feel free to pm me if you ever want to chat.

I thought I'd just add my two cents for what it is worth....I had exactly the same thing happen, and I mean exactly! My DH has a really bond with DS1, however, when DS2 came along he didn't want anything to do with it (the baby was planned and wanted by both parties). At first I was really disconcerted as DS2 was crying all the time (reflux) and literally refused to go to anyone else - he would scream and scream. DH would always say 'the baby is your thing'. In the end this is the way I looked at it...

It was probably a good thing that DH wasn't baby mad like me, afterall who would have given all the attention to DS1? At least this softened the blow for my eldest (btw DS1 is 23mths and DS2 is 6mths and they are already inseparable).

The baby doesn't really need Dad just yet, in a biological sense. So by Dad not being 'hands on' it is not hurting the child.

I spoke to my DH about his 'baby refusal' and he said that he was just so used to have interactions with the toddler and getting something back that it was hard for him to bond with something that didn't smile or interact (we all know they are a blob when they are little, a beautiful charming blob, but a blob all the same!)

I found that I just left things alone and did all the baby stuff on my own but I made sure that DH had his fair share of toddler duties. After 6mths the baby is now more relaxed, goes to other people, cries less and interacts a lot more and DH is really bonding with him now.

My advice - just don't push it and give it time.

Oh, I would ask him to stop the negative comments about bub especially around your eldest as you don't want to impact the siblings relationship.

Maybe your DH has PND?

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