My partner will not help with my little boy. I have asked him to help on several times but it does not seem to work. I have been patient with him but my son is now 3 months and i am getting so tired. If i speak to him about this he gets grumpy.
He wont feed, bath, dress, get him to sleep, get up during the night and most of the time he is home he spends outside. On the few occassions he has feed him (not the whole bottle) he gets angry and gets grumpy and i have to finish the feed or he is has to get him to sleep he puts him in the swing and wont rock him to sleep to go into his cot.

If anyone can suggest any ideas that would be helpful.

Not sure anyone would have suggestions for this one your story is my life same stuff with my baby's dad and shes 5 months it's sad but i think it's just the people we chose sad

I really feel for you, you must be so tired and over it. I have not been in your situation so I don't know how you really feel, I am only imagining. Have you thought of not helping him, so to speak? If he can't help you then why cook him dinner, or wash his clothes, or anything else you might do for him, you just don't have the time. It is a two way street and he is the father of your daughter and your partner, you are supposed to be in this together, helping each other, you can't do it all when there is someone else who is supposed to help and support you. Other than that could you convince him to go with you to see someone neutral who could help? I hope this helps in some way, sorry if it doesn't.

this may sound a bit odd but do you think that he could possibly be suffering from PND? it was reported recently that dad's get it too, maybe it is the cause of him being withdrawn and not helping with the baby.

if you don't want to bring it up with him, maybe you could give beyondblue a call and discuss it with them and see what they think. they may have some ideas for you to gently help him.

my suggestion would be ask him a few questions but be prepared from someanswers you may not want but the answers will give you a starting point for your family to build on

1) why does he not help
2) why does he get grumpy when he does help
3) if he wasn't going to be a father why have a child
4) whose fault is this situation

then tell him you need help so where can he help
tell him that you need rest so when is a good time for you to tak that and he look after the baby

as i said you may not like the answers but if you get some answers you can work out what you atre going to do

as some one previously said we get what we choose and also what we accept if you want it to improve you need to make it improve

Thanks for your reply.

Another suggestion is that he might need to have time alone with the baby.

Maybe he is just not feeling 100% comfortable about it. Some time alone between the two of them will force him to find his own way to care for the baby. It wont be easy on you but they might just need sometime to bond together. Maybe go for a 30 min walk and then the next week do it for a hour. Once he spends one on one time and if he helps make something better for the baby (ie feed bubs when hungry) it could help him bond and he might want to spend more time doing it!

Its worth a shot, he might not want to do it so dont give him a option, just go. Its his child after all!

Hi how r u coping?? I was in the same boat as u!! Although my hubby did a little more than that (not by choice tho) But def give them some time alone. Dont give him a choice in the matter let him be with bub for a few hours where he has to change a nappy and has to do a feed on his own. Then he will get the gist of it all and b more able to help u when u need it!!! It worked for my hubby.

This is the first time I've looked at these huggies forums, and I was really upset for you and your situation.
I really cant complain about my husband, he does what he can outside of his long work hours. But there have been times I'm at my wits end, totally sleep deprived and about to fall in a heap and he just doesn't understand what I need from him. I dont think men have any idea what we go through. First there's the long, very painful and exahausting labour, and then instead of recovering from this, we are up all night, trying to master breastfeeding, trying to calm a screaming newborn all while still in a lot of pain.
But I dont think men not understanding what we are going through is an excuse. If you tell your partner in no uncertain terms how you are feeling, how his behaviour is affecting you and what you need from him, he should at least endevour to discuss these issues with you and discuss how you two can make life better for each other. It makes me so angry hearing that women out there are getting so little help, and we shouldn't stand for treatment like that. Every woman deserves a partner that cares enough about her to at least make some sort of effort. We cant just run away and distance ourselves when motherhood gets too hard, so a decent father shouldn't either.
Sorry about ranting on a bit like a full on femisist, I was just so upset to hear what you are going through, and I really hope you are able to work something out that gives you a bit of a break. I really fell for you, and as a hardworking mother you deserve some help and time to yourself every now and then.

i agree with josephs mum. and as for leaving bub alone with a man behaving in this way i absolutely would not, i would be too concerned for bubs safety with someone who obviously has not bonded with bub. what happens if bub wont stop crying and your not there to take him off hubby? as far as him helping, you can lead a horse to water you cant make it drink. me personally ive been here befor and my opinion was if im doing everything for the baby anyway then what did i need him for? he was just another mouth to feed, clothes to clean, mood to deal with, so, i got rid of him. now have a wonderful helpful hubby whos attitude to our DS is a 180 degree turnaround from the father of my DD. plus hes an awesome step dad. lifes too short.

heya...

i know exactly how you feel... my little boy is only 3 months old.. and my partner wont hold him, feed him, change him.. anything. his excuse being that hes too small.. i mean he was born at 5 pound 7oz.. and hes just gone 9 pound.. so hes not that little. i think its alot worse when you have had a terrible day and you just want him to take the baby and he wont... that really stresses me out. somedays i just want to walk out coz i cant deal with it... feels like im a solo mum to be quite honest... you cant exactly make them do it either... coz they get all angry and storm out... well my bf does...

Argueing with your partner wont help anyone. And yes, most of the time it does feel like you are a single parent.
But remember it isnt easy for them either. And I am sure that being a single parent is much harder. my respect to you who are.
I also have PND.
I tried talking, yelling, crying, threatening, using examples, going out so he had to look after our baby. Not successful.
Instead, I tried only including him in the fun things - this helped them bond, and now he helps out with everything.
Things are getting better.
But I think the truth is - it is the hardest time in your life, and you just need to put each day behind you and try to remember why you got together and what you hope for your future. And things will eventually improve.
Hang in there

I live in the country and while my husband is not too bad and will do things when I ask (sometimes I wish I didn't have to ask) there are time when i am stuffed and it is an expectation that I will get up to our bub instead of sharing the load. I have taken several trips to see our families who live on the other end of the country (we have none living close to us) and it is amazing what a break does! He misses his DD so much that when we return he is so hands on it's not funny! I am planning a trip again soon!!! Perhaps not knowing what you've got till it's gone might work. A short holiday may be great for you and beneficial to the relationship. Hope so!

I find that men are very influenced by their peers. My husband's brother-in-law (Dave) does everything with his two boys. I have found that by my husband hearing the constant praise Dave gets for his fathering (from females) and seeing the close bond he shares with his sons has influenced my husband with our newborn son.

My hubby does everything he can from nappies, organising bottles and other necessities for outings, bathing, insists on pushing the pram, etc. I believe if he didnt have the positive role model in his brother-in-law he would be a lot lazier when it came to his role in our baby's life.

Perhaps there is someone who is a good Dad that you could get your husband to spend more time with? A close friend or relative would be ideal. Good luck and hopefully once your bub starts interacting more his father will come to his senses and realise what he has xx

Hi there,
I had a similar situation with my partner and in the end I got so fed up I gave him an ultimatium. Either tell me whats going on inside of his head or I'll do it alone. He eventually told me that he feels inadequate as a father and is very unsure of what to do. I tried to be really supportive and encouraging and eventually I gave him the task of feeding and changing Oliver while I went for a short walk around the block. When I returned he had done what i had asked and had found a little bit of confidence with Ollie. He has been a hands on father ever since.

I aggree with Joseph's Mum's post. Most men can't join the dots...they need to be shown or told what needs to be done. What women see as obvious things that need to be done, many men just don't see it! Also, when asking my husband to do something, he often needs more than one reminder. After realising this, I have since spoken up and let my husband know how I'm feeling (something that has been really hard for me) and what needs to be done and that I need help to do it!
It has been hard, but the only 'cure' I can come up with is to speak up (gently) and let my husband know what is going on. I feel for you and hope things improve.

im a single mum. and my dd father takes her one night a week... he literally takes her at about 5pm that night and drops her off at about 10am the next day. i found when we were living together and he didn't want to help i would just end up yelling at him and handing him our dd and walking aoutside and staying there with a book in my hand. i would tell him i was going for a walk and if he needed my help to call me... i never went far maybe to the backyard or the front yard or the neighbours yard so i could keep an ear out at the start. but it worked he now comes over once a week for about 5 hours and then takes her for the pitiful excuse of a night.

i understand where your coming from though because dd was 5months before he would do anything.

I don't know what it is with some men. They enjoy making the baby, but once the little darling is brought into the world dad has his own things to do and mum and bubs are on their own. I am going through the same and it sucks. My little princess has just turned 1 years old and I'm a sahm. Pretty much from the moment we came home from hospital I was the one who would sit up at night with her and still do. I'm not saying dad does nothing, he gets bottles, changes nappies, feeds bub, and plays sometimes. I was reading an article that said 'even if a father has to work a 60hr wk they should still spend about 4 hours a day with bubs' what a joke that is, I'm lucky if he spends 4 minutes with her. He works though, and he has a ps3 to play, and tv shows he wants to watch, and he wants to go and play golf. I am starting to resent him for it. I have told him I need him to be more of a dad to bubs, and it's all good for a week, if that and then we are back to same old same old. I have even told my partner that I don't think I want to be in this relationship anymore, but he promises he will help out more etc etc. I guess they do say 'men are from mars, women are from venus' and sometimes I think we wish they would go back to mars. I feel so alone over it all. I don't really have any friends, and I don't want to talk to my mum about it. I also suffer from depression, which doesn't help. Anyway, thank you for reading my rant. I don't have any answers sad .

Maybe think about going out for a few hours so your hubby HAS to do everything for the baby. Or would you be worried the baby would starve? Some men are bloody hopeless aren't they? I know I have to tell my other half to put a dummy in our son's mouth or feed him or even just cuddle him when I am busy with out other two kids or doing housework, he will just sit on the couch listening to our son (8 months) cry right near him and he wonders why I get ***. The other morning at 6am DS was crying, I said to SO "can you put his dummy in his mouth when you walk passed the room" (he had to walk right passed his room to go out the front door and it would have only taken a few seconds) but he says "I have to get ready for work" so I had to get out of bed. I was not happy.

Hi,

i certainly would not leave my child with a father who sounds like that, i think you are waiting for diaster to happen if you left them alone! You need to talk to him and explain how you feel, but i also do agree with whoever said you knew who you were having a baby with.... people don't just suddnley change and become helpful caring and attentive if they weren't before.
Sims76 are you getting treatment for your depression??? Can you get someone to come and take the kids for you for an hr and go out for a coffee with your hubby, and just "talk".
Good luck with getting your hubby to lend a hand.

My partner will not help with my little boy. I have asked him to help on several times but it does not seem to work. I have been patient with him but my son is now 3 months and i am getting so tired. If i speak to him about this he gets grumpy.
He wont feed, bath, dress, get him to sleep, get up during the night and most of the time he is home he spends outside. On the few occassions he has feed him (not the whole bottle) he gets angry and gets grumpy and i have to finish the feed or he is has to get him to sleep he puts him in the swing and wont rock him to sleep to go into his cot.

If anyone can suggest any ideas that would be helpful.

I know exactly how you feel, my partner did not seem to enjoy doing anything, I did everything from getting up at night to cleaning to cooking. One day he said he would love to have another baby and i just laughed he looked at me and asked me why i responded that way. I told him that I could not imagine my life with another child (although i love my little girl more then anything). He said why?
I told him flat - " I know you are probably going to get cranky but I feel like a sinlge parent and i may aswell be! I do everything in this house with the bills, cooking, cleaning, and everything for our little girl and you! So i actually already have 2 children." I also told him that i would love to have another child but he would really have to pick up his game. I also let him know that he is missing out on so so much with her, she is not going to want to be around someone who does not seem to want to be around her either. It may have been a little harsh but i was running myself into the ground, i learnt i cannot sugarcoat everything for him in case it hurt his feelings. He has gotten better with her and is know even getting up to her 2 days a week!! AMAZING!! Just dont expect too much too soon smile I hope things get better for you and your little one.

Perhaps he feels a little out of his league. A bit useless maybe. Like he has nothing to offer. I think PND can affect both men & women. Its a huge responsibility for a man to take on a little person its natural for a woman to do all the baby duties. We are more in tune with baby than they are. They don't go through the process like we do. The conception the labour the birth. Maybe he feels a little left out but given up bothering to try cause he doesnt have the confidence & has lost motivation. Or he could just be a selfish person and baby is taking up all your time. Its a catch 22 situation. How do you get someone to do something when they just can't bring themselves to do it.
I hate to say it but if things don't improve do you really want to raise a baby in an environment where there is a loveless father? Was his dad like this? There could be so many underlying issues he has. Maybe he thinks his life is over now he has a huge commitment to provide. But yeah I agree with just leaving baby with dad but if he is really grumpy and suffering from PND it might not be the best idea either. People can snap easily. Perhaps get in some at home help so they can help you cope and they can always subtly get hubby in on the action without him realising why the helper is there for.

Good luck my heart & my Hubbys heart goes out to you.

My partner will not help with my little boy. I have asked him to help on several times but it does not seem to work. I have been patient with him but my son is now 3 months and i am getting so tired. If i speak to him about this he gets grumpy.
He wont feed, bath, dress, get him to sleep, get up during the night and most of the time he is home he spends outside. On the few occassions he has feed him (not the whole bottle) he gets angry and gets grumpy and i have to finish the feed or he is has to get him to sleep he puts him in the swing and wont rock him to sleep to go into his cot.

If anyone can suggest any ideas that would be helpful.

hi my partner was exactly the same and i became so tired of having the same battles every time i asked for a little help he would sult like a child. so here is what i did i gave him a serious talking to i told him that weather he realised it or not he was a father now which ment he had a little person who relies on him 100% i reminded him that it took both of us to have the baby and that if he wanted to be a part time parent then he should have thought of that b4 i then told him that i would walk away unless he stepped up to the plate and helped me our deal to start with was that he would come home from work and have half an hr to him self to shower and do what ever from that time i would pass bub to him and they have playtime he gives a bottle and they go for a walk i then told him that i expected that b4 he goes to bed he would pre make the night feeds and put them in the fridge it was his duty to get up and warm the bottle and change bubs and bring the baby and bottle to me at which time he could go back to sleep . from here i kept adding to the list of expectations we are still working on it but when i talked to my midwife she said to keep going and to praise him for what he is doing much like u would with a child tel him his doing a great job when he is and tel him his not helping when his not keep on it and good luck.

He must be feeling abit wiered on where he stands in the picture. Some men take to it easier and some don't. They don't have any conection to this baby, did not feel it kick etc. He might come round he might need time to bond but he ain't making much effort.
They talk of pnd in women but what about men, men find it probably hard too because they probably have fears in raising a child and supporting it money wise. But all they need to give to the baby is love, and of course they don't talk about it either so that makes it harder. I feel for you i'm not in this situation but there have been times when i've cracked because i can't get him to sleep, Your doing a good job and hopefully he will come round i would sit him down and have a good talk even get one of the grandparents to take bub for a while. That way he can't go no where cause you can follow him.

Hi exhausted mummy!

This is definatley a very stressful situation for you.
i havent been in this situation but a few things coome to mind that may help.

first one: how was your partner during your pregnancy? did he attend things with you? or take care of you? im guessing this was not a surprise, he had nine months to prepare for the arrival, maybe discuss with him whats changed? is he overwhelmed that the baby is finally here?

second: my husband used to be quite lazy round the house in general. so i gave him a choice of what he wanted to do. e.g do u want to cook tonight or do the dishes?
in your case amybe ask you hubby "do u want to feed the baby or bathe him tonight?"
i really hope this helps. we all support you on this one!

I think the lady that suggested PND might be right. I guess then your issue is how to get him to the doc.

Men often feel like they're not doing it right because even though we don't mean to we correct them or seemingly get the baby to sleep without worry or they take their bottle without complaint. This is only purely because we do it the majority of the time.

Get tough with hubby, prepare a feed, give bub to him, the ready bottle & then go outside (pretending to hang washing of corse) & don't give in when hubby gets cranky. Don't expect too much too quick.....give up on the getting up o/night gig & just start out small. Do the baby chores together. My hubby is reluctant to bath bub on his own but its something the 3 of us do together. Just remember it will probably all pass when bub grows up a bit. I know my hubby can't wait to be chasing our daughter around the back yard or taking her to the park, at the moment she just smiles & laughs at him before spewing on him!

Do you have any friends who are dads, maybe a couple you know who have kids, where they can come to your place for an afternoon (with their kids) and you can leave the dads in charge while the mums go out for a bit. That way your partner is not left completely 'unsupervised' and with someone who has been through it or going through it, and then he may be able to ask any questions he may feel he cant ask you (maybe because he doesnt want to feel 'silly' or feels he should know these things naturally) Dad to dad talk - they will probably have had the same anxiaties at becoming a parent.. and in an all male environment may be able to combat some of the hurdles.. ?

Just a suggestion. Hope it all works out!

I know I have to tell my other half to put a dummy in our son's mouth or feed him or even just cuddle him when I am busy with out other two kids or doing housework, he will just sit on the couch listening to our son (8 months) cry right near him and he wonders why I get ***. The other morning at 6am DS was crying, I said to SO "can you put his dummy in his mouth when you walk passed the room" (he had to walk right passed his room to go out the front door and it would have only taken a few seconds) but he says "I have to get ready for work" so I had to get out of bed. I was not happy.

Hi,


Sims76 are you getting treatment for your depression??? Can you get someone to come and take the kids for you for an hr and go out for a coffee with your hubby, and just "talk".
Good luck with getting your hubby to lend a hand.

Chrysanthemum, I totally hear you with that one. DH seems to not be bothered by the little one crying, whereas I can't handle it and have to do something, eg dummy or cuddle etc.

Kezzabelle, I am on meds for my depression, it just sometimes it all gets the better of me. And I am still not comfortable leaving bubs with anyone yet, sad but true. I feel she is part of me. unsure